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(no subject)
Apr. 12th, 2025 04:03 pm i guess this is sort of a letter to you that i can absolutely never send. so im just writing it here instead. dont think anyone will read this anyway so it’s probably fine lol.
i dont exactly know what i feel. i know i miss you, but- i can talk to you now. i have your discord, i could just message you. but i cant talk to you anymore, i havent been able to even when you came back. ive been looking at our conversations from when i was able to talk to you again and i remember i was so afraid i would fuck it up again that everything i said was. censored, i guess? and from what i saw, it was like that for you too. i was terrified that anything i said would make you dissapear again because i didnt know what happened. i think before i knew a little part of me blamed you a little bit and i dont know why. i know now it wasnt your fault. i dont know how to talk to you anymore and i havent ever since i realized you were gone. but youre not gone anymore. i dont know what to think.
i dont even remember enough to know if it was always like this. i know that i loved you. i know that at one point, i would have given up everything i had just to be able to talk to you again. i dont know when that changed.
i think i miss knowing you. i miss being able to talk to you without being terrified. i think maybe now im scared that you’ll dissapear again and i need to get you to care about me enough so that this time, you wont forget me. which is stupid. i dont know. you have your own life now, and so do i, but im still stuck in the past while you’ve.. moved on. probably. i dont know! i dont think i know anything about you anymore. which should be okay. but i still wish i could go back in time to when we were friends. you were.. the most important person in my life for, like. two years. and that doesnt.. feel like a lot anymore but i remember checking our chat every two seconds to see if you were online because i didnt get notifications.
but i also remember you were online much less often, at the end. and i didnt have as much time. and we talked less until you didnt respond for. a year. a year and a half, actually. you said it was almost two years but if we were rounding to the closest year it would’ve been one. closest to a year and a half.i thought you died. i think i probably wasnt as important to you as you were to me. as you are to me? i dont know. We havent had an actual conversation in months and i dont think either of us have been able to really talk to each other since. i dont even know.
can you believe its been three and a half years since you stopped responding? that feels like it should be a really long time. it feels like it went by so fast, after i was able to talk to you again.
this is.. getting really long. so ill probably end it here. im sorry.
i dont exactly know what i feel. i know i miss you, but- i can talk to you now. i have your discord, i could just message you. but i cant talk to you anymore, i havent been able to even when you came back. ive been looking at our conversations from when i was able to talk to you again and i remember i was so afraid i would fuck it up again that everything i said was. censored, i guess? and from what i saw, it was like that for you too. i was terrified that anything i said would make you dissapear again because i didnt know what happened. i think before i knew a little part of me blamed you a little bit and i dont know why. i know now it wasnt your fault. i dont know how to talk to you anymore and i havent ever since i realized you were gone. but youre not gone anymore. i dont know what to think.
i dont even remember enough to know if it was always like this. i know that i loved you. i know that at one point, i would have given up everything i had just to be able to talk to you again. i dont know when that changed.
i think i miss knowing you. i miss being able to talk to you without being terrified. i think maybe now im scared that you’ll dissapear again and i need to get you to care about me enough so that this time, you wont forget me. which is stupid. i dont know. you have your own life now, and so do i, but im still stuck in the past while you’ve.. moved on. probably. i dont know! i dont think i know anything about you anymore. which should be okay. but i still wish i could go back in time to when we were friends. you were.. the most important person in my life for, like. two years. and that doesnt.. feel like a lot anymore but i remember checking our chat every two seconds to see if you were online because i didnt get notifications.
but i also remember you were online much less often, at the end. and i didnt have as much time. and we talked less until you didnt respond for. a year. a year and a half, actually. you said it was almost two years but if we were rounding to the closest year it would’ve been one. closest to a year and a half.i thought you died. i think i probably wasnt as important to you as you were to me. as you are to me? i dont know. We havent had an actual conversation in months and i dont think either of us have been able to really talk to each other since. i dont even know.
can you believe its been three and a half years since you stopped responding? that feels like it should be a really long time. it feels like it went by so fast, after i was able to talk to you again.
this is.. getting really long. so ill probably end it here. im sorry.
